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IslamQA: Loving someone but sexually desiring another person

Asalam Walikum, I have an issue. I feel that I can't stop having these intimate desires for this person, I can't stop feeling hormonal about it. I do like someone else but I like that person romantically not sexually. I do fear that if I end up with that someone else I'll still have sexual desires for this person. How can I stop?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Developing sexual desire for a person is something that our brains do automatically if we do not repress it from the beginning. We have instincts to always keep a lookout for eligible attractive mates regardless of our wishes. 

For now you may not be able to do much about it. When you are married to your intended, you can work to make them the sole locus of your romantic and erotic attention. This is something that will require active work on your part. Whenever you find yourself thinking erotically of someone else, you can actively bring your spouse to mind. In this way you can train your brain not to sexualize others.

Another and maybe more important way is to develop a close relationship with God. My way of doing it is to listen to the Quran for an hour every single day. If I ever find myself trying to think erotically of someone, or trying to appreciate a woman’s exposed body, God immediately comes to my mind. Since I do not wish God’s respect to decrease for me, I automatically abandon the thought. God is always present in the back of my mind and knowing that He is there makes me want to act in a way that pleases Him and gains His admiration. This means that I never feel that I have the privacy to think inappropriate thoughts about others in my mind.

Please check out the page Guides on Getting Closer to God for more information on achieving closeness with Him.

Best wishes.

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