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IslamQA: Dealing with a toxic family

Assalamualykum Dear Brother, Allah says that family is a great trial. I have been living in a toxic family environment for some time in which my sisters and mother do not get along. In this situation, I love them both, and it hurts me in a deep way when they fight and I can do nothing at all to make the situation better. I try my best to stick to the commands of Allah and have made constant dua regarding this situation. What should be the response of my heart? Am I too attached to my family members or is patience the only solution?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

I’m sorry to read about your situation. May Allah make things better for you. Unfortunately there is often little that we can do about how others, including our family members, behave. The best we can do is be patient. Something that helps greatly is to have a close relationship with God, such as through daily Quran reading. This helps detach you from worldly concerns and enables you to always act according to what is good and right regardless of how others behave.

May Allah bless you.

And God knows best.
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Sister
Sister
2 years ago

السلام عليكم

Brother (questioner), I would humbly suggest you make du’aa for your family members – which I am sure you are already doing. The best du’aa when they seem to be behaving against Allah’s commands is to ask for their forgiveness then ask Allah to guide them. And ask Allah to keep you steadfast and I suggest you try hard to understand the Qur’aan in its original language (if you do not know Arabic then please start learning) as this provides the heart and soul with steadfastness and sukuun that one does not obtain when reading a translation of the Qur’aan. And please remember that many times we seek to change others and think that if they were better, the situation would improve, But in reality, the situation is a test and what is required is that * we ourselves should improve our state, iiman and servitude to Allah subhaanahu, * and this is the desired result that Allah wants from us and that is why we are given trails in family, and such-like. There are many other wisdoms related to being tested. this is just one of the wisdoms.

والله أعلم.

I hope this short advice will help the brother who asked the question.

Sister
Sister
2 years ago
Reply to  Sister

Sorry, you already mention you make constant du’aa. May I say the response of your heart should be as follows:

‘O Allah, I accept this test is for a great wisdom. I ask You to make me steadfast and improve my iimaan so that I pass this test and respond to the pain felt, with acceptance, sukuun and hope for your mighty rewards in being patient, and seeking to benefit my self by this test – not blaming others nor observing only or always, the faults of others for in looking at others to improve, is a shortcoming in myself. Rather, the onus is on me to improve such that what was difficult for me before, becomes easy and a source of good-tidings for me if I have iimaan and remain steadfast, seeking our Face. This is the success for me and this is the desired change You require in me and thus have placed me in this situation. This is becase You are the Most Wise, You never wrong me. You know how best to improve and purify me.’

والله أعلم.
والسلام