I wanted to ask a q about being gay. I’m a gay Muslim that has never been intimate with another man, I love Islam & want to get into jannah inshallah, But I don’t know how one can live a life without being able to love, what should I do in this life? I did fall in love with another gay Muslim however we both are religious & made it clear that nothing could happen for the sake of Allah swt. This is too much of a burden on me & I’m tired of having to explain that I did not choose to be this way
You have probably been taught that one can only fall in love with a person they find sexually attractive, and since you only find men sexually attractive, you can only love men. For a young person this might sound very true, since for them sex is one of the most important things in life. The truth is that love is a feeling of admiration, trust and reliance that develops between two people who become emotionally close to one another. You find cases of a husband and wife both of whom are over 70 years of age and who are deeply in love with one another despite the fact that at that age most people have lost their ability to feel sexual desire, and neither of them probably finds the appearance of the other sexually attractive. Love does not need sexual intimacy to make it real.
Being gay is merely a label one chooses for a far more complex physiological reality. Human sexual desire is on a spectrum; most gay men are probably capable of enjoying sexual intimacy with a woman even if they find other men far more sexually attractive. I have also read cases of gay men, who say they only sexually desire other men, who fell in love with a woman. Rather than accepting today’s highly-politicized Western ideas about gender and sexuality, judge things for yourself. You might be perfectly capable of falling in love with the right woman and enjoying sexual intimacy with her, even if you feel a strong preference for men. If I am not mistaken, in the past homosexuality was recognized as merely a strong preference for one sex over the other, rather than a defining part of a person’s identity. It is only today that it has become an identity, and there is no reason why you should submit to this, letting others tell you what you are and how you should live your life. Just because you have a strong preference for men does not mean that you are incapable of loving and enjoying sexual intimacy with a woman.
Even if women are not your first choice, you may be able to enjoy a married life with the right woman that is as happy and pleasurable as most other people’s. Most marriages are not an erotic romance story; marriage is about two people agreeing to create a single enterprise, similar to two co-founders of a business. While sexual intimacy is very important for young married couples, it continually loses its importance as they age. This is not a tragedy; sexual desire requires hormones whose levels continue to fall as we age. One’s weakening appetite for sex does not mean that one also loses their love for their spouse. The opposite actually happens often, where a young married couple have little respect for each other in the beginning while after a decade or two of marriage they start to truly love and appreciate each other, even thought they are older and may rarely have sexual intercourse.
If you think it would be unfair to marry a woman while identifying as gay, you can share the fact with her and let her decide. People marry for many different reasons, and there may be women who will prefer you to the other men available to them because of your personality and other qualities even after you tell them you have a preference for men.
At the present, your case is similar to that of a man who is in love with an already-married woman. There might be no immediate solution, although I believe that as you mature and your sex drive quiets down your ideas may change with it. For now, you will have to accept your fate and appreciate that others have worse fates. Being born gay is probably better than being born blind. There are millions of men in India who desire women but who will never be able to marry simply because the country has millions more men than women. We all suffer from conditions that are outside our control, be it illness, family problems or poverty, and your case is no different.
For now, what you should do is endure patiently and always work to improve yourself and your knowledge. And always remember Prophet Ibrahim’s saying:
And who despairs of his Lord’s mercy except those who are truly lost?1
Life occasionally places us in situations where we lose our patience and want to simply give up rather than go on suffering. It is during those moments that we can prove our loyalty to God.
Best wishes inshaAllah.
Salaam,
I’ve read all your articles on Islam and homosexuality. As an exclusively same-sex attracted man who’s been struggling with Islam for a long time there’s a lot I disagree with. I can’t address all of it but I will give you my main points.
1) Same-sex attraction is materially different from non-sexual desires because a) the attraction is involuntary and b) not acting on the desire causes deep emotional pain for myself and many others. This differentiates it from desires for alcohol or gambling, for example, which are not innate and can be avoided with little to no pain. You can control your environment so that your life is mostly free of such things and you don’t think about them. In contrast, you (usually) cannot rid yourself of sexual attraction. I have never had sex with a man but the emotional toll of abstinence has basically ruined my life.
2) You seem to be claiming that any homosexual person can find the same fulfillment as a straight person in a heterosexual marriage, and in this way would dismiss my prior point. I cannot speak for everyone but I can tell you I have no desire for a physical relationship with a woman, and I strongly disagree that marriage is supposed to be about some ideal love that has nothing to do with sexuality. That may be what some people are looking for but to pretend like straight men don’t usually get married with the primary purpose of seeking fulfillment of physical desires feels disingenuous to me. The kind of love you describe does not seem very different to me from close friendships, which for me do not make up for or relieve the pain of not being allowed to have a physical relationship with someone I’m attracted to. But beyond that, feelings of romantic love, even in moments or at an age where sex isn’t a priority in the relationship anymore, are tied to sexual orientation and past experiences of satisfactory physical intimacy with that person. That’s what creates the unique closeness that differentiates marriage from platonic relationships.
3) Same-sex attraction is also different from a straight person who is unable to get married, who is also dealing with fundamental and involuntary desires. The reason is that a straight person who has not yet married always has hope of getting married in the future, there is always the possibility that someone of the opposite sex will agree to marry them despite whatever disadvantages have prevented them thus far, and they can hold onto that hope until death. In addition to that, men have numerous promises throughout the Quran and Hadith of sexual fulfillment with beautiful women in the hereafter, showing that Allah recognizes the intensity of the desires he created in them and promising them a reward that will honor those desires if they are obedient. This helps them avoid seeking fulfillment through a prostitute or some other sinful means, which would merely be a fleeting moment of pleasure that could not make up for the lack of an actual intimate relationship with women loyal only to them.
In contrast, the homosexual man has to live with the reality that he is spiritually barred from a relationship with a person of the gender Allah created him to be attracted to, even if he finds a willing partner. There is no concept of a homosexual marriage, something that Allah was able to permit which would allow for homosexuals to experience fulfillment without causing the “hookup culture” you mention. Yet that too has been made haram. Each day, the homosexual man is asked to let himself suffer, commanded not to take any actions towards relieving desires he didn’t ask for while knowing that a fulfilling same-sex relationship is physically possible. He is told to believe that these desires are simply evil/wrong and will disappear in the hereafter. Thus, while the straight person is primarily unable to find fulfillment due to circumstance, the homosexual is asked to actively inflict pain on himself by choosing to do nothing about his desires. I feel that there is a distinct difference between being passively afflicted with pain versus being commanded to put yourself through pain. The latter is far more difficult. That’s why I didn’t like it when you wrote “being born blind is probably worse than being gay,” they aren’t the same type of suffering (and blind people can still be gay).
4) With all that said, I experience a painful life each day that I cannot do anything about without incurring the wrath of Allah. I find it difficult to worship a God who commands me to make myself suffer, threatening me with worse punishment in the hereafter if I try to fulfill the desires I never asked for through a consensual, loving relationship. My experience has been that while I’ve managed to put myself through the suffering so far, it has only caused me to resent the one who commanded it. I would never accept such treatment from a human being, so why is the creator of human beings, who is supposed to be more loving and kind than any person, barring me from the kind of intimacy/love He caused me to crave, and thereby causing more pain to me than any human being ever has?
I find it difficult to accept the idea that because Allah created me, He is entitled to make me suffer however He wants. I never asked to be created and do not want this painful existence. I struggle to see how a creator who could be that seemingly cruel to me is worthy of worship, so I can only bring myself to pray occasionally due to my fear of hell. I feel that God has put me in a terrible position where I have to choose to make myself miserable for my entire life in order to avoid going to hell. I believe in Allah but I wish I could escape Him, I want to be free.
I don’t see how it’s fair for Islam to be made easier for some than others. It feels like I’m being set up for failure while others are set up for success. I often find myself wishing I never existed, feeling that I would have been better off being never created at all.
Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,
I will have to re-read everything I have written on homosexuality, as it is old writing that does not necessarily align with my present thinking.
To be honest, I have no answers. I consider it very likely that a society cannot survive in the very-long-term if homosexual relationships are accepted and practiced (instead of being relatively rare things that are quietly tolerated, as has been the case in many societies in the past). But when it comes to an individuals sense of worth and their fulfillment in life, considerations about what may happen to their society in 100 years because of their choosing what seems meaningful and valuable and harmless may seem pretty empty and without force.
Apart from considering the worldly implications of homosexuality, there is also the spiritual aspect. I believe everyone will taste their own version of “Hell” on earth, so being homosexual and barred from homosexual relationships does not make one uniquely experience more “Hell” than others. Considering oneself to suffer from a kind of moral suffering that outweighs the suffering of others is spiritually very damaging, while thinking of one’s own suffering as just one thing among human’s general story of suffering will, I believe, make one’s condition more tolerable and less corrupting.
I don’t think happiness and fulfillment in this life is possible. I have never met a happy and fulfilled person. The closest thing are those who have given up on this life and find fulfillment in God, but again, that is quite the opposite of “happiness and fulfillment in this life”. They will suffer like everyone else, and they will not find fulfillment in life, a place of spiritual rest that makes them feel they have “gotten there”, because there is no “there” to reach in this life. Life is all mundane suffering, and those who seem to be fulfilled and happy because of the worldly conditions they enjoy are making as suffer an illusion. Once you get close to them you find that they are utter bores who only stay happy by trying to outrun the demons they feel are chasing them.
The only people worth knowing and listening to are those who have given up on happiness and fulfillment. I have never met anyone who desires worldly happiness and fulfillment who has anything useful or interesting to say about life and the human condition.
Some people’s Hells are from external conditions, others’ Hells are from within. And that is all there is to life. Only by rejecting life one finds life. And there is no clever philosophy or way of life that takes the Hell out of life. We ask, “Why are there so many people for whom happiness is so easy, while I should be denied it?” But that is a lie. Happiness is not just not easy, it is impossible, except for the intellectually and morally handicapped who have no insight into their own condition.
I believe we all have problems that have no solutions, and questions that have no answers. Only during those rare times when we achieve spiritual insight we say, “I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?” (C. S. Lewis).
So I am sorry that you suffer from this, and that our religion denies you a fulfilling relationship, and that there is no answer. But there are endless ways in life to grow bitter by thinking oneself to be suffering special suffering and for God to be denying you what He could have so easily given you, or His refusing to solve a problem He Himself, in one way or another, has allowed to exist.
But *all* of life is about God being the cause and the solution to all problems. And there is no way to live with our problems except by doing our best to suppress our bitterness and to continue to worship God whether we feel like it or not.
So I believe there are no Islamic solutions for homosexuality, and all solutions I’ve seen are simply snake oil. So what is there to do? To live one day after another with a broken heart and a limping soul. To accept that there are no solutions and no answers. And during those rare moments (too easy to forget), when you get a glimpse of God, you realize that He truly is the Answer, and before Him all questions die away.
I do not say to you “the solution is to just suffer and try to get a glimpse of God, and this too will rarely happen.” I say this to all humanity regardless of the cause of their suffering.
Anyway, I am just one person saying this, and I do not claim what I said will comfort anyone, and I do not claim that if I were in your shoes I would be doing any better. You may call this a philosophy of despair, and you may be right. My whole adult life has been one of living with intense depression and illnesses that make every day a constant fight just to feel ok, and only a philosophy like this gives any worth to living.