3 Islamic articles on: Islam and Parenting

Table of contents for the topic Islam and Parenting
  1. Should parents scold a child who doesn’t pray?
  2. Raise children as Muslims, or let them choose their own path?
  3. Dealing with a homosexual child in Islam

IslamQA: Should parents scold a child who doesn’t pray?

Salamu alaikum. I have a friend whom confided in me and wants to ask two questions to you: 1) Is it appropriate of a mother to scold her children for not praying on time, while she never taught her children about religion properly since their parents were gone to work and left their children with a babysitter at home; 2) How far can a parent force a religion to their children, if all the children's life are shown how their parents aren't giving constant good example of establishing it?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

I discuss that issue in detail in my essay Why Your Teenager Hates You. We can only lead our children by example. We cannot force them to practice it. And whether they practice Islam or not, we are required to continue to love them and take care of them.

I don’t think scolding or shaming them will do much good. We should give them the freedom to discover and appreciate Islam on their own. Once we reassure them every day that we will love them whether they end up religious or not, they will be much more likely to want to follow our example.

IslamQA: Raise children as Muslims, or let them choose their own path?

Salam, brother. I hope you are in a good health. I have this thought passing through my mind and I'm deeply thinking about it and concerned if one day when I am married and have children, of what should I do in that situation. And so, I have a rather personal question for you related to that, if you don't mind. As you can see, you hold onto Islam so firmly and sincerely. This makes me curious of how will you raise your children. Will you teach them Islam and raise them Muslims, or will you allow and let them choose whatever path they want? How does Islam view this? That is all my question. Thank you very much for your time.

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

That is a good question, and the answer to the question as I stated it in the title is to raise children as Muslims, and to let them choose their own path.

If Islam is true, then our children have a right to be brought up in an environment that makes it as easy as possible for them to understand, experience and adopt Islam. They should be encouraged to learn Arabic, read the Quran, pray and attend mosque services.

However, a wise parent will also respect the fact that their children are humans honored by God with the ability to choose their own path freely. Their love for their children should not be conditional on the children being good Muslims. If a child starts to doubt Islam, the parent should not act as if the child is wicked. They should let the child take his/her time and grow in their own way. A parent should even be prepared for the child to one day completely abandon Islam. It might just be a phase and they may come back after some time, months or years later. The most important thing in such situations is love; if the child is treated with love and kindness despite doubting Islam, despite even wanting to leave it, and if good relations are maintained in such situations between the parent and child, then the child will be far more likely to come back to Islam at some point.

It is not our job as parents to force Islam on our children. We try to make it possible for them to be the best Muslims they can be, but we keep in mind that they have free will and can always abandon Islam if they want. Respecting a child’s free will leads to the child feeling honored and respected, while trying to override their free will always leads to rebellion.

Also see this answer where I deal with similar themes: Dealing with a homosexual child in Islam

IslamQA: Dealing with a homosexual child in Islam

Asalam Walikum, how do would you handle a situation if your child is part of the LGBTQ+ community? Since Islam prohibits it, I don't want to disown a child so what would be the right way to handle it?

Below is a preliminary answer to your question. I may change it if I find out more. I probably know more than most Muslims about homosexuality due to my wide reading of Western sources, but I do not claim to be an expert.

Having homosexual inclinations in itself is not a sin. It is only sinful if it is acted upon. Therefore if one’s child comes forward and claims they are gay, they should be told that both natural (genetic) and environmental factors contribute to whether a person feels attracted more to their own sex or the opposite sex. Sexual attraction is on a spectrum–most humans are capable of being attracted to their own sex given the right circumstances (note the extremely high rates of reported homosexual activity among prison inmates and monks).

Among monozygotic twins, if one of them identifies as homosexual, there is a 24% chance that the other twin will also self-identify as homosexual according to a large study of 4901 twins (there are studies that report higher rates).1 This suggests that about 24% of sexual preference may be genetically-mediated and and 76% of it environmentally-and-psychologically-mediated. While we should not dismiss the existence of built-in factors (genetic, epigenetic) that promote homosexuality, the fact that monozygotic twins only have a 24% chance of both identifying as gay shows that there is a lot of fluidity in sexual preference, meaning that most people with homosexual genes are likely to be able to enjoy relationships with people of the opposite sex.

There is a small minority of homosexuals who find the very idea of touching a person of the opposite sex repulsive. Such people often have a history of sexual abuse if the reports I have seen are representative. This minority likely does not represent the majority of people with genes that promote homosexuality. The majority are likely to be able to enjoy relationships with both sexes.

So a Muslim child who “comes out” as gay should be told that they will likely be able to enjoy life with the right person of the opposite sex. But if they are completely opposed to that idea, they should be told that their only other option is celibacy. There is nothing wrong with homosexual desires in themselves as long as they do not act on them.

Many people are born with far worse conditions than not feeling attracted to the opposite sex–such as being born blind. There are also millions of heterosexual Muslims who desire marriage but cannot marry due to not having enough money or not having suitors. A Muslim who believes they are homosexual is just another Muslim who is unable to marry. If they want to please God, they would either choose celibacy or wait until they find the right person of the opposite sex.

For a discussion of why Islam forbids homosexual relationships please see this essay.

If the child wishes to live a homosexual lifestyle

Now, if one’s child wishes to break Islamic law and engage in homosexual relationships, their treatment is similar to a heterosexual child who engages in sexual activity outside of marriage. According to a fatwa by the Qatari Fatwa Authority, it is permitted to maintain familial contacts with such a person. The recommendation is actually to maintain contact (while advising them to stop what they are doing). According to Dr. Suʿād Ṣāliḥ of Al-Azhar University the treatment of such a person is similar to the treatment of a family member who has become a disbeliever. The Quran says regarding treating parents who are disbelievers:

We have advised the human being to be good to his parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me something you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. To Me is your return; and I will inform you of what you used to do. (The Quran, verse 29:8)

The Quran does not recommend any action against them other than not obeying them. Many other scholars from Al-Azhar University also expressed the opinion that sinful family members should not be shunned but treated with kindness, knowing that God is forgiving and that they may one day change.

So Islam does not recommend disowning such a child. They should instead be treated with love and respect while it should be made clear to them that their behavior is unacceptable. But harassment of them is not a good idea either and may only lead to their feeling oppressed and misunderstood. So if they mention that they think they are gay, they should be told that their only options are either celibacy or finding a person of the opposite sex that they find attractive. After this the issue should be left alone. If the child does not bring it up again, the parents should not bring it up either. Perhaps the child will change his/her mind in five or ten years. It is not the job of the parents to force the child to stop desiring their own sex, and once they get older they are free what life they lead.

The Qatari Fatwa Authority also says that it is obligatory for parents to give a living allowance to a child who has renounced Islam. Parents are also entitled to a son’s wealth if they are poor even if they are disbelievers. The same would apply to a child who lives a homosexual lifestyle; their homosexual lifestyle does not cause them to lose their rights to the help and support of their families.

According to a Saudi fatwa, fathers are obligated to give a living allowance to their unmarried daughters even if they live a sinful lifestyle.