IslamQA

IslamQA: How to be kinder and more polite to family members

I keep being rude to my mother. How do I stop this habit? She always says things that make me angry even though I know she’s right. I’ve apologised to her so many times and I ask God for help but nothing is changing.

It is natural to be rude and impatient with people close to us when they do not act in the way we expect or make us feel unworthy and unappreciated. What you are trying to do is go against the course of nature by being kind and polite even when she gives you cause to be angry. This is not a state that can be maintained without work, because it is not natural. What is natural is to act the way people act toward us.

The only way to maintain your kindness and politeness toward your mother is to maintain an unnatural state of open-heartedness and selflessness. This can be done through reading the Quran for 30 minutes every day, performing all the voluntary prayers and sincerely praying for God’s help and forgiveness during every sujūd (prostration).

It is the ego that causes us to be rude when its interests are threatened (such as when someone makes us feel unimportant and useless). The way to break this cycle is to take the ego out of the equation. The Quran helps with this because it constantly reminds us about the fact that this world is not important and will end soon, and the fact that we were created to worship God rather than worship ourselves. The Quran’s teachings and reminders soften the heart and weaken the ego’s hold on us so that we end up as calmer, more polite and less self-centered people. And maintaining this state requires dedication. It is not something we can achieve then take for granted. The ego will always reassert itself if we do not fight it.

IslamQA: The fate of atheists in Islam

Are all atheists going to hell?It seems unfair to me for anyone to spend an eternity of suffering because they didn't believe in God, specially if beside that they are nice people. Its been really hard for my iman. In the past it was draining. I spent pretty much all day thinking about the billion of people and all their suffering. I couldn't even watch movies to keep my mind occupied as i would start thinking how all these people were doomed.

I try to read the quran but then i get to the part where they describe hell in details and i just cant finish reading. The only way to stop feeling the stress and anxiety was to read them in a meta a terrifying reality? Sorry for the long askphorical sense but im not sure if its permissible. If atheist are indeed all going to hell in your opinion, how to deal which such

The truth is that we do not for certain. One theory says that all humans have the power to know God and believe in Him. According to this theory, anyone who does not believe in God is automatically punishable by God.

Another theory is that God will only hold people responsible for going against their conscience, and that the only type of disbelief in God is the one where the person has acquired all of the knowledge necessary to believe in God and believes in God in his heart, but who rejects this belief and lives in a state of denial. The kufr (“disbelief”) literally means “to deny (a blessing)” or “to cover up (a truth)”. According to this latter theory, atheists are only punished if they actually believe in God but wish to deny Him for one reason or another (for example because they dislike submitting to a higher power). This means that an atheist who honestly believes that God does not exist and that religion is a human invention will not be punished for this.

What we know for certain is that God is just, and that:

God never burdens a soul beyond what He has given it.1

From the above verse we can conclude that there will be no unjust punishment of humans. God will only hold humans responsible for the knowledge and powers He has given them. A person who grows up in a secular family and who never learns much about religion may not be punishable by God.

God is the inventor of the concepts of fairness and justice. So it is extremely misguided to think that God can be unjust, that we humans can come up with a fairer system than God has created. God is kinder and more just than any human, therefore it is a falsehood to think that He can punish anyone unjustly. While we do not know the exact fate of atheists, what we do know is that their fate will be fair and just, because it is God who is in charge of them.

The people that we know for certain deserve the Hellfire are those who believe in God, who know right from wrong, yet who engage in the worst evil out of their desire for gain. An example is a rich person who pays a killer to go kill a good man because by killing him his own wealth and power will increase. The world is full of such people, and they deserve God’s punishment.

If you fear that good and innocent people will end up in the Hellfire, then you misunderstand God. God invented your brain; do you think He is incapable of understanding issues that you can understand? Read the Quran and you will never hear about an innocent person being punished (hadith narrations are a different story). If God says He will punish kāfirs, the meaning of the word is not exactly defined for us; it could mean someone who believes in God and His Scriptures but who does evil regardless of their belief. In the past it was common to think that all non-Muslims are kāfirs, but this is not at all what the Quran says. The Quran, for example, refers to “the kāfirs among Jews and Christians”, which logically means that there are Jews and Christians who are kāfirs, and there are Jews and Christians who are not kāfirs. The Quran says, when speaking of Jews and Christians:

113. They are not alike. Among the People of the Scripture is a community that is upright; they recite God’s revelations throughout the night, and they prostrate themselves.

114. They believe in God and the Last Day, and advocate righteousness and forbid evil, and are quick to do good deeds. These are among the righteous.

115. Whatever good they do, they will not be denied it. God knows the righteous.2

I recommend that you continue to read the Quran so that you get a better understanding of God and His thinking. God is not unjust, so if for some reason you imagine Him being unjust or someone mentions something about Him that implies He is unjust, you should think the best of Him and tell yourself that you or someone has misunderstood Him.

IslamQA: On which scholar’s opinions to follow and scholarly consensus (ijmāʿ)

I don't mean to offend you in any way but I just want to know (because I find other Islamic sources different from your answers sometimes). But I'm wondering when people ask you a certain thing on your blog , do you go after the scholars who give the fatwas/explanations that sounds most logic or do you go after the consensus of the scholars (إجماع) ? Example of this is the issue of apostasy which you disagreed with. Also that kuffar isn't just non-muslims. Could you please clear this up. Thanks.

There is no consensus among the scholars about the concept of ijmāʿ (“consensus”), making it little more than a rhetorical tool used to make one’s own opinion appear stronger despite the existence of disagreement from other scholars. According to Ahmad ibn Hanbal, the only true ijmāʿ is consensus among the Companions of the Prophet Muhammad on some matter as recorded in the books of hadith. While I do not belong to Ibn Hanbal’s school, this is perhaps the best opinion on this matter. If all of the Companions of the Prophet agreed that the prayer should be done a certain way, then we have to follow their opinion (in reality, there was also great disagreement among the Companions regarding various issues within Islam after the death of the Prophet Muhammad).1

There is no such thing as consensus among the Muslims on most things unless you intentionally cut out those who disagree. When it comes to most matters, the general opinion of the ʿulemāʾ is good enough to follow, since we cannot research every single issue within Islam to find out the best opinions about it. The ʿulemāʾ have done this hard work for us and if they think something should be a certain way, then what they is generally safe to follow.

However, there is nothing in Islam that asks us to shut down our critical thinking ability. The Quran constantly asks us to use our reasoning ability, to question things, to find out things for ourselves. Islam is not supposed to have a priesthood who do the religious thinking for everyone else (although this is what some of the ʿulemāʾ claim to be their place in Islamic societies). We Muslims are one community and there are no class distinctions between us. The ʿulemāʾ help the community as repositories of knowledge, but they are not rulers, politically or intellectually, who tell everyone else what to think. The Quran never denies a person’s right to think for themselves and to use their reasoning ability. There is nothing in the Quran to give a small number of Muslims (the self-elected ʿulemāʾ) to become the brains of everyone else by claiming to agree with another.

If the ʿulemāʾ say there is agreement on a subject, all it takes is to find one single disagreeing scholar to prove what they say false; that there is no agreement. In the early Islamic period, in the era of Imam Malik (711 – 795 CE), scholars, instead of shutting down discussion by claiming consensus, acted the exact opposite way; a single disagreeing voice was considered sufficient to establish an equally valid opinion on a matter (see Shaykh Umar Abd-Allah’s Mālik and Medina). So if most of the ʿulemāʾ agree on some thing, but there are a few good and honorable ʿulemāʾ  who have a different opinion, their alternative opinion, according to the thinkers of early Islam, is just as valid as the majority opinion. The early Islamic scholars followed the principle of riʿāyat al-ikhtilāf (“mindfulness of dissent”). Instead of attacking those who disagreed with the majority, they wrote down their opinions (in books like al-Muwaṭṭaʾ and al-Mudawwanah) as forming valid alternatives.

That open-minded scholarly culture of early Islam is the correct and proper way to practice Islam, as opposed to the scholarly culture of groupthink of the past few centuries where dissenters were attacked instead of being respected.

At this point the criticism can be mentioned that if we follow minority opinions this can cause a breakdown in Muslim societies where everyone follows random opinions. That would only be true if we were robot-like creatures whose brains had to be programmed by the scholars. In reality, humans who in good conscience try to find out the truth about things and who listen to the scholars and follow the best opinions they hear are bound to be rightly guided. If we believe in the Quran’s teachings and try to follow them in good faith, then that is most of Islam. It would be extremely unjust to call a Muslim evil and misguided despite the fact that they read the Quran and do their best to follow it just because they differ from us in some opinions.

The reality of Muslim societies today is sufficient to support my opinion. Talk to any devout Muslim and you will find that they have various personal opinions that disagree with the commonly accepted ones. They continue to be faithful and devout and continue to belong to the Muslim community. This was also the experience of Imam Malik’s community; there was strong disagreement on most issues inside Medina and outside it. Instead of this leading to hatred and division, people continued to respect each other and the community was united around the core teachings of Islam without using the side issues as causes for division. This is how unity is achieved: by agreeing on a small number of things (the core teachings of Islam) and respecting people’s right to disagree on everything else.

There is no such thing as kind-hearted and well-intentioned people who read the Quran and the Sunnah and follow the best opinions they hear from the scholars and who are evil and misguided (as takfīrī Wahhabis think there are). This type of thinking assumes that God does not exist; that He is happy to watch humans go to ruin even though they believe in Him, worship Him, pray to Him and read His Book. This, of course, is pure fantasy; it is an invention of those who wish to imply that only they are the truly guided ones. This gives them the moral right to attack, defame and even murder those who disagree with them.

At this point I should mention a hadith much abused by takfīrīs in which it is mentioned that the Muslims will separate into 73 sects and that all of them will enter the Hellfire except one. It is generally accepted that the part that says “all of them will be thrown into Hell save one” is a fabrication added to the hadith later on.

IslamQA: On fighting desires when alone

How do you fight desires when you're alone?

There is no guaranteed way to control desires if the desire is strong and one has the privacy to engage in it without suffering material consequences. A person who wants to lose weight will almost certainly not be successful if they have a freezer full of ice cream. Regardless of their will power, when the desire is strong enough and the desired thing is easy enough to get, people succumb sooner or later.

What one should do is rearrange their life so that engaging in that desired thing becomes more difficult. A person who seriously desires something can come up with all kinds of creative ways to get over obstacles to get what they desire. You have to do the same thing but in the opposite direction, coming up with creative ways of making it more difficult to get the desired thing.

For more on planning against desires see the following answer, it suggestions can be generalized to any kind of desire: Dealing with an addiction to pornography

IslamQA: Dealing with an addiction to pornography

Assalamu'alaikum. I'm a girl and I'm struggling with my porn addiction. Most of my friends assume that I'm such a religious person just bc i graduated from Islamic boarding school. They just don't know the fact that I'm addicted to porn:( I feel guilty for everytime i watched it, ask for His forgiveness then stupidly watch it again and again. I just can't handle the pleasure that i got from watching it. I pray 5 times a day too, recite the Holy Qur'an and practiced some small examples of Ruqyah Syar'iyyah to protect my self from that vicious circle. But i keep doing it:( I can't stop myself from it.... how to get rid of those addiction? I know it's written in the Qur'an "and those who keep their private parts...." But i still can't stop myself:( I keep asking for His guidance to guide me to the right path but my inner desire always won

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

If you are younger than 25, then your brain has not completed its development. As we mature, our ability to control our urges increases. Therefore if you have difficulty controlling yourself now, each year that passes will likely make you more capable of it. Do not lose hope but do good deeds to make up for it, such as reading the Quran or reading books about Islam in order to increase your knowledge.

For an addict, controlling an urge is impossible if the thing they are addicted to is easy to obtain. What you should do is make it more difficult for you to engage in it, for example by spending less time alone (find hobbies, join clubs and societies, volunteer at charities around you, etc.).

Trying to control your urges is likely going to be hopeless (the way it is for an obese person who wants to lose weight and who has ice cream in the freezer, even if they resist the urge for hours, they will likely still fail many times a week). Instead of thinking of controlling yourself, you should plan against your addiction. Come up with ways of making it difficult or impossible for you to engage in it, such as by spending less time alone as mentioned. If there is a time of day when you have the strongest urges, make it a habit to go out to a coffee shop, library or park for a few hours during this time.

Developing the right plan is going to be the most important part. Reading more Quran and praying more (such as performing the voluntary prayers) is going to also help. And if despite all of these things you continue to fail occasionally, instead of fretting about it just get back on track and know that as time passes things will get easier.

Perhaps everyone’s life contains an ‘unsolvable’ problem. It can be having a disabled child that requires much time and energy to take care of, it can be having a demanding elderly parent who lives in one’s house, it can be extreme poverty or a mean and cruel boss that one is forced to work for for years on end. Your unsolvable problem might be your addiction to pornography. It is a test of your faith and patience to suffer from a problem you cannot fix. Instead of giving up and thinking that God has abandoned you (which is what Satan wants you to think), continue to do as much worship and as much prayer as you can, always seeking God’s forgiveness and trying to think the best of Him.

IslamQA: On sexism and misogyny in hadith narrations and the books of scholars

Salam. This thing has bugged me for a while and I try to not care but it's an important topic . Basically many scholars, many ahadith, are very sexist. The work of bukhari, ibn abbas, alkatherr , it feels like I can't escape it and no matter how much I try to think that woman have rights in Islam I still feel as if my being is worth noting. I genuinely feel bad. I already deal with misogynism on daily basis in the country im from It's like being a woman is a bad thing.

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

It is true that since the beginning of Islam until modern times most men had a low opinion of women. The same is true of non-Muslims throughout history. Women generally had less access to education and fewer interactions with other people, so that they appeared naive and unintelligent to men. Therefore when a historical personality says women are inferior or foolish, for them this seemed to be the truth, since they rarely met intelligent women who could think on the same level as men. For them it was an obvious fact of life that women are unintelligent, and anyone who doubted that could simply go and talk to some women in their society and verify that this was true.

Things only began changing in the past few centuries, when women in both Europe and the Middle East started to be more involved with their societies and started to get an education. Even in the United States, the universities only started admitting female students in the latter part of the 19th century. Cornell admitted its first female student in 1870, and its alumni, who were some of the best educated men in the country, strongly opposed letting in females.1

When it comes to sexism in hadith narrations, you should keep in mind that only a very small subset of hadith narrations reach the authenticity of the Quran. The overwhelming majority belong to a spectrum of authenticity. Some have a 99% likelihood authenticity, some 95%, and so on. Even highly authentic narrations can be rejected if the case can be made that they describe an earlier policy of the Prophet that may have been superseded by his later practice or by a Quranic revelation. For Imam Malik’s rejection of authentic narrations despite admitting their authenticity see Wymann-Landgraf, Mālik and Medina. For the issues surrounding hadith authenticity, see Brown, The Canonization of al-Bukhari and Muslim and idem, Misquoting Muhammad: The Challenge and Choices of Interpreting the Prophet’s Legacy, London, 2014.2

The Quran is our only 100% reliable source for God’s opinions, therefore you should base your thinking on it. It nowhere teaches that women are unintelligent and foolish, it rather stresses the equality of the worth of men and women, guarding their dignity and prohibiting various abuses that were common in the pre-Islamic era (such as forced marriages, selling them as slaves, not letting them get a share of inheritance). If you find a hadith or scholarly opinion that teaches to view women as inferior, instead of thinking that this is Islam, you should think the opposite, that this is not Islam, and you should do the research necessary to find out the truth. If one hadith teaches a negative thing about women, you will find others that teach positive things. If one scholar voices a sexist opinion, you will find others who reject it, and in fact there are scholars who can be described as feminist in that they think women are better and more moral humans than men.

Islam is simply a tool for you to know God better and to worship Him in the possible way. This is the purpose of this religion, everything else is a side issue complicated by the vagueness of the Quran, the unreliability of hadith narrations and the sexist cultures of the past. Rather than letting these things color your understanding of Islam, make your own understanding out of the Quran and the best opinions of the people of the past and present.

IslamQA: Is it forbidden for Muslims to befriend non-Muslims?

Is it true that it's haram for Muslims and non Muslims to be friends. I didn't know this until I read the Qur'an because no one told me about it. It says that the believers can't take non-believers as awliyaa and in my Qur'an the translation says friends. I asked my friend and she told me it means political ally but in 9:71 Allah describes believers that are friends with eachother and there is no political notation there.

As a Muslim you should get into the habit of reading the whole Quran and judging one part in the context of the rest, instead of giving all attention to one verse and forgetting the rest. Verse 60:8 of the Quran says:

As for those who have not fought against you for your religion, nor expelled you from your homes, God does not prohibit you from dealing with them kindly and equitably. God loves the equitable.

This verse was sent to balance out the verse you mentioned, and also to balance out the verse at the beginning of its own chapter:

O you who believe! Do not take My enemies and your enemies for supporters, offering them affection, when they have disbelieved in what has come to you of the Truth. They have expelled the Messenger, and you, because you believed in God, your Lord. If you have mobilized to strive for My cause, seeking My approval, how can you secretly love them? I know what you conceal and what you reveal. Whoever among you does that has strayed from the right way.

Reading the whole Quran, we get the conclusion that we are forbidden from becoming friends with those who harbor resentment against Muslims and who plan and plot against them. An example of such a forbidden friendship would be a Muslim businessman becoming friends with Israeli settler businessmen who have unjustly expelled other Muslims from the lands they live in.

As for those who have not fought us because of our religion and who have not expelled us from our homes, we are allowed to treat them in whatever way is culturally and humanly appropriate.

By being Muslim the Quran does not ask you to stop being a human. It merely tries to reform you and prevent you from doing evil and foolish things (like befriending those who would happily kill you and your family for gain if they got the chance). There is nothing wrong with befriending a good and kind non-Muslim who wishes you no harm; this is what your conscience tells you and this is what the Quran tells you.

I have read the Quran dozens of times in multiple languages and have not found a single thing that goes against my conscience. If you find such a thing in it, it means you haven’t understood it fully, or that you are reading one interpretation of a particular verse or passage when various interpretations are possible.

IslamQA: Dealing with cruelty from one’s own family

I was born Muslim into a non practising family. When I came back to the deen Alhamdulillah, my family suddenly turned on me. Suddenly everything I do is wrong, they gossip, my siblings have been jabbing me about not doing enough for my parents. I try what I can, I make doa for them but I can’t help being angry inside and it’s killing me. I know it’s my family, but despite me being their source of income, they just put me down. I feel like a convert. How do I be filial to an unkind family?

You just have to be as kind and patient as you can be. Islam does not ask you to have superhuman kindness and patience toward others. You are asked to be the best you can be with the abilities you have. It is natural to feel resentment toward such treatment, and there is probably no quick solution for it.

The clan of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) instead of supporting him were among his harshest critics. They would mock him and make up lies about him. God asked him to be patient and lenient, and asked him to pray and recite the Quran as much as he could (sura 73). Eventually most of them came to respect him.

Another thing to keep in mind is that being too outwardly religious can be disconcerting for those who are not. It is similar to being a vegan. Some people think that being a vegan makes them a superior type of human who have the right to judge everyone else; they become a nuisance by constantly talking about their veganism and criticizing others for eating meat. As a Muslim, try not to be like that. Do not talk about religion with them and do not do obviously religious things in front of them (reading Quran, etc.). Keep Islam to yourself. If you can build a good relationship with them without reference to Islam, then they will be more likely to accept your religiosity. But if they feel that your religiosity makes you judge them as inferior, then they will be likely to feel threatened and to criticized you in order to make themselves feel better about not being religious like you.

Ask yourself what you would be doing toward your family if you were still irreligious. Do not let your religiosity separate you from them. If they have certain hobbies or things they do that they enjoy, be with them. If you have a sibling who is interested in something (say football), buy them a high-quality football as a gift. If you have sisters, a good gift would be a gift card to a clothing store. Do everything you can to assure them you are still with them and that you honor them and consider them proper humans, and avoid everything that may make them feel you consider yourself different or superior for being religious. Reassure them that you still love them, and the best way to do this is to continue treating them as if nothing has changed since you became religious.

IslamQA: On God’s judgement regarding primitive humans (Amala and Kamala)

Salam! That might be a hard question to answer... But in philosophy class earlier we learned about Amala and Kamala, two girls who were abandoned in the forest when they were babies and therefore were raised by wolves and acted like wolves. They didn't know they were humans. I wanted to know, in that case, how do you think Allah judges them? As humans, or as animals? Because they're like primitive.

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

There are various answers on that. One theory is that humans have the intrinsic ability to know God and believe in Him, meaning that God can judge them.

Another opinion is that God’s guidance (through one of His religions) is necessary for someone to become responsible in God’s sight. The Quran does not provide us with a conclusive answer. There are verses like the following which seem to suggest that one should receive the message from one of God’s messengers before they are held responsible for their actions:

Whoever is guided—is guided for his own good. And whoever goes astray—goes astray to his detriment. No burdened soul carries the burdens of another, nor do We ever punish until We have sent a messenger.1

But there are also verses like the following which seem to suggest that merely by being human we acquire responsibility:

And do not occupy yourself with what you have no knowledge of. The hearing, and the sight, and the conscience—all these one will be held responsible for.2

The one thing we know for certain is that God is just and that He does not place a burden on someone except according to their knowledge and ability, as expressed in the following verse:

The wealthy shall spend according to his means; and he whose resources are restricted shall spend according to what God has given him. God never burdens a soul beyond what He has given it. God will bring ease after hardship.3

Therefore even though we not know how God judges most humans, we can say that God will judge them according to what is fair. Only those who have the power and knowledge (intrinsic or otherwise) to believe in God will be held responsible.

There are some preachers who give definite statements about who goes to Hell and who doesn’t. But the Quran leaves wide room for interpretation, therefore if anyone says something about God’s judgment that sounds unfair and unjust, this merely means that the person has misunderstood God and is saying things about God that God Himself has not said.

IslamQA: Can you do a khatm (complete reading) of the Quran with a translation?

Salaam 🙂 I had a question. I was wondering since I am currently finishing trying to complete the Quran inshAllah, would I be able to read a translated version in English instead? So I can understand each Surah. Would reading the translation version be considered as completing the Quran? Thank you so much for you input, I highly appreciate it. JazakAllah khair

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

The common opinion among scholars (al-Nawawi, Ibn Baaz) is that there is something special about the Arabic Quran. They believe that it is forbidden to recite the Quran during the prayer (ṣalāh) in a different language, and believe that reading the Quran as an act of worship is only permissible in Arabic. As for translations, they only consider them useful as an educational tool.

The best thing to do would be to read a side-by-side Arabic and English book of Quran, reading each verse in Arabic then in English.

If your goal is to understand God’s words and wishes better by reading a translation, then He will reward you for your effort and you will benefit from it even if this does not constitute a formal qirāʾah (recitation) of the Quran. Therefore you can do what works best for you until your Arabic is good enough to easily understand the Arabic.

IslamQA: On proposing to a man as a Muslim woman

Salam Alaikum, I have a question, I want your opinion on it. There is a guy, he seems very nice conservative and holds good deal of manners and deen. He is single, I really would like to have a future with him. I'm not sure if he is looking for marriage now or if he's interested in me. He is a family friend. How can I approach him without looking so unmodest. He does not have any family around and only our friends. Any tips on how to address that situation. Thanks and jazak Allah

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

The best thing would be to tell someone who is respected by both of you and ask them to introduce the topic to him. This would be less awkward for both of you.

What is acceptable in one culture may not be in another, therefore it is the people around you who will have the best ideas on how to deal with this matter.

There is nothing in Islam to forbid you from talking to him directly, although this can be very awkward for most people, especially if he is not planning to marry. Having an intermediary gently introduce the topic to him would be much better.

Writing him (such as through email) is not a good option because it can send the wrong impression and because it puts you at his mercy. Even  if he is a good person and you expect no harm from him, you never know how people may change in the future, therefore it is always best to act cautiously (and get other people’s approval and involvement) in this matter.

IslamQA: Why doesn’t Islam have paintings and music?

Why doesn’t Islam have historical paintings/art like other religions? For example, Christians have that painting of Jesus at Last Supper. Also, why are there modern Christian songs in pop and rock but no such thing as Muslim songs? Is music seen as distracting or misguiding you from your path?

It does. All that you need to do is search “Islamic painting” to find thousands of examples. Below is an example from the 16th century:

There was a belief among religious scholars that painting living things is not allowed by God, although this is being challenged today. Despite that, Muslims developed a form of painting known as miniature paintings. Unlike in European paintings, there wasn’t a focus on realism until the past century, for this reason the paintings look very different from European art.

As for Islamic music, again, simply Google “Islamic music” to find thousands of examples. Below is an example:

IslamQA: Enduring the difficulties of having an abusive mother

So i gave in thinking that maybe she had undrestood herself and that she could not treat me and my sibling like that. Well I was wrong, every time she gets mad she wants me out and calls me crazy and maniac because of my mental illness. She is still bitter because of my father and i don't like it when she brings him and his family in our arguments (when they divorced she used us as a weapon and made dad leave us children because of the problems she was causing problems and manipulated us to hate

him. Anyways few years ago he came back in our live (this was again because of an argument between me and her and for some reason she called dads family) anyways she always calls him names and took it the point where she calls my late grand mom awful names. She made always makes bad duas to me and my sibling and calls my sister fat (she's overweight) and all. Our dad lives overseas so I can't move there. I'm really sick and tired of this and in Islam says that we always have to bare it all with

I appreciate the difficulty of your situation. Do you not have any relatives you could ask for your help or advice? They may be able to help you in some way.

Islam teaches us how to deal with life’s problems, it does not solve them for us. Muslims and non-Muslims both suffer from such problems. Sometimes you just have to endure, to read the Quran and to pray. If you are patient, your difficulties will help build your character and make you a wiser and better person than others of your own age. Some years from now you may be rewarded with a great life for your present difficulties. Prophet Yusuf and Prophet Muhammad both suffered through many difficulties, but eventually God gave them all that they desired. Always remember this sura 93 of the Quran:

1. By the morning light.

2. And the night as it settles.

3. Your Lord did not abandon you, nor did He forget.

4. The Hereafter is better for you than the First.

5. And your Lord will give you, and you will be satisfied.

6. Did He not find you orphaned, and sheltered you?

7. And found you wandering, and guided you?

8. And found you in need, and enriched you?

9. Therefore, do not mistreat the orphan.

10. Nor rebuff the seeker.

11. But proclaim the blessings of your Lord.

IslamQA: On not speaking to someone for more than three days

Salam, Is it true that according to hadith ones prayer or supplication becomes invalid when you don't speak to a person for more than three days. Many times I have neglected my prayers because I thought that there was no point of continuing. But I don't also understand why my prayers have to be affected to the point of validity if people are immature and don't solve issues by sitting down and communicating.

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

There is a narration in Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim in which the Prophet ﷺ says it is not permissible (halal) for a Muslim to stop talking to another for more than three days. The Maliki jurist Ibn Abd al-Barr says:

أجمعوا على أنه يجوز الهجر فوق ثلاث، لمن كانت ‏مكالمته تجلب نقصاً على المخاطب في دينه، أو مضرة تحصل عليه في نفسه، أو دنياه. فرب ‏هجر جميل خير من مخالطة مؤذية .‏

They [i.e. the scholars] have agreed that it is permissible to stop talking to someone for over three days with a person who, if one was to talk to them, this would bring a deficiency in one's faith or a harm in their psyche or their material well-being, therefore perhaps a good avoidance of someone [i.e. avoidance with good intentions] would be better than a mixing that brings harm.1

In other words, what the Prophet meant is that it is not acceptable to intentionally inflict suffering on someone by not talking to them. But if there is a good reason for not talking to them, then that might be fine.

You should not let others affect your relationship with God. If someone tells you something about Islam that sounds like nonsense to you, instead of thinking that God is illogical, you should think that that person has misunderstood Islam, taken something out of context or is following an extremist or literal interpretation that more intelligent scholars do not support.

IslamQA: Dealing with a family who want to marry off a daughter without her consent

Kindly forgive me if what I'm about to ask is uncomfortable in anyway. But I am stricken with grief and anger in my heart. I am aware this is wrong for my soul. But its when things take non-islamically that I feel most stricken with disappointment. My father has without my consent promised me to a family. I am already in love with a muslim man who I believe will help my deen and faith. How can I help myself and my cause. Any dua or insight?

Sorry to hear of that. Have you told him that you do not wish to marry that person? Perhaps talk to your mother and ask her to explain things to your father if you do not want to talk directly to him. If he does not listen to your wishes then you could ask the help of any male relatives you have. And if that does not help, if you live in a Western country there are various agencies who can help, although escalating things this far can seriously damage your relationship with him.

You should seek out all the help you can get from family and friends if necessary and perhaps you will find a peaceful solution. If absolutely necessary, you could even reach out to that family if at all possible and tell them you do not want to marry their son, maybe they will take your wish seriously even if your own family does not. You could ask for a private talk with the man, and during that talk you could tell him you do not want to marry him.

IslamQA: Dealing with betrayal and slander from friends

So I've shared a secret to a friend and said to her she shouldnt tell anyone especially not to person xy.. so what she did was exposing me infront of this person and told him/her everything what I said (the secret wasn't about the person I just wanted to make sure she don't tell it anyone).. she also told other person about it who weren't involved in it.. she blocked me on social media etc.. all this people are talking behind my back and everyone ignores me and possibly hates me for it..

These people are Muslims.. I’m so depressed these days.. can you say what should I do and is this a sign in form of punishment by Allah swt say because of my sins? I’m so confused and sad about it. They won’t listen to me.. I even apologized but they ignores me.. please help me!

All of God’s prophets were lied about, ignored and attacked by their societies, just because it is happening does not mean that it is a punishment. Perhaps it is preparation for something better that will come. Perhaps it is there to help you see who your real friends are and who the shallow and selfish ones are.

God is your protector. Always remember this verse:

That is because God is the protector of the faithful, while the evildoers have no protector. (The Quran, verse 47:11)

If God is your protector, then nothing that happens around you can possibly harm you, even if from appearances the thing is hurtful and upsetting. God is your protector, seek to please Him and forgive and forget those who wish to hurt you.

IslamQA: Getting over an impossible love

I don’t know if this is gonna sound ridiculous/stupid... but I’ve been having feelings for someone for the past 3 years and I can’t seem to get over it, I make dua Everyday asking Allah to strengthen my heart and remove these feelings, I try to keep myself busy with work and worship but at the end of the day I still come back to this , the worst part is that this person is married. I will never act on this feelings but it hurts a lot that I can’t do anything

Everyone’s life seems to contain some unsolvable problems. It can be a chronic illness, poverty, having a disabled child, having an elderly parent that one is forced to take care of, having a grown child who constantly causes problems, having an uncaring spouse, not being able to find someone to marry, etc. Your unsolvable problem appears to be your love for that person.

The main thing to do regarding life’s unsolvable problems is to accept them, to humbly submit to God’s decree and be thankful that things are not worse, and to realize that God could be saving us from many other problems that others suffer from. If our problem is solved, it is quite possible that a new problem may arise in our lives that is just as serious and painful as the one before, and most people’s lives appears to be a story of going from one unsolvable problem to another. This is how this world works, there is no way to achieve permanent peace in it. This world always promises us utopia but never delivers. Regardless of what we accomplish, in a few days or weeks we are always back to square one, always with new problems, worries and discomforts ruining things for us.

The thing to do is to sit back and understand that this is how the world works. We want to create heaven on Earth, but we can never achieve it. It is far better to keep in mind that this world will soon pass and that the comfort and peace we desire can only be achieved in a different world.

One thing you could do that might help you move on is to read a lot of books (50 or more). As you read more and more, your thinking and understanding will change and this can make it easier to get over the past and look forward to the future. You can check out this page on my my site for a list of books to read.

IslamQA: Do Muslims need to make up prayers intentionally missed for years?

I have a question to ask and i don't really know where and whom to ask about it. So, I’ve been neglecting salah for 24 years of my life, I’ve started to pray fully 5x times a day and I’ve been wondering how do i replace all the salah that I’ve been neglecting before. How do i know the numbers to replace, and what should i do? From what i heard, even if you seek for His forgiveness, you still have to pay back all the salah that you’ve missed out. Same goes to fasting.

Short answer: No, you do not need to make up those missed prayers.

The opinion of the founders of the four schools (Malik, al-Shafi`i, Ahmad and Abu Hanifah) is that a Muslim should make up any prayers missed after puberty even if this amounts to decades worth of missed prayers. Their reasoning is that since the prayer is obligatory on every Muslim, a missed prayer is like debt that one has to pay back.

Comparing a missed prayer to debt is known as qiyas (‘analogy’). The Islamic texts do not give us any clear pointers toward whether a person who habitually abandons the prayer should make them all up or not, this is an issue that is never mentioned in the Quran or hadith.

Ibn Taymiyyah rejects the debt analogy and provides a better analogy, that of intentionally missing the Friday prayer. People who intentionally delay the Friday prayer by not performing it in its proper time are not allowed to hold the Friday prayer later on to make up for it. The Friday prayer has a set time and it is only valid during that time.

As for making up missed prayers, according to Ibn Taymiyyah this only applies to cases when one’s daily life is interrupted by something that prevents them from praying in its proper time. Those who intentionally abandon the prayer cannot make it up; they have sinned, and once they repent, they should simply resume a Muslim’s life.

If you miss the Friday prayer intentionally by praying at home, there is no way to make it up, you cannot go to extra Friday prayers since there is no such thing as extra Friday prayers. I think this might be Ibn Taymiyyah’s point regarding the Friday prayer analogy. It appears that in Ibn Taymiyyah’s view the prayer is like a train that you either catch or miss. If you miss it by performing it defectively (such as by praying the Friday prayer at home) or by simply abandoning it, then you miss the train and there is no way to get back on it, since the prayer for each time period belongs to that time period and cannot be prayed outside of it. The noon prayer for March 5, 2018 belongs to a set period in time (say 12:30 PM to 4:00 PM), if one intentionally misses the prayer belonging to this period of history, then there is no way for them to make it up (unless they get on a time machine).

 

Ibn Taymiyyah’s view seems more like common sense and is, of course, far more humane, therefore I prefer it.

Ibn Taymiyyah’s view regarding missed fasts is similar; if the fast is intentionally abandoned, one is not required to make it up.

IslamQA: Can a Muslim woman marry an uncircumcised man?

How if I marry a converted man & he haven't circumcised yet. I mean, I've read it somewhere that u can't get married before circumcised first. Like, can we do the Ijab qabul first & few days after that the husband will be circumcised. Well, people who get circumcised need other people to look after them right? So what I try to say is I want to look after him during the recovery but obv it's haram before the marriage. That's why I want we get married first so I can look after him

Male circumcision is a matter of difference among scholars. The Hanafi and later Maliki opinion, and the opinion of al-Hasan al-Basri, is that it is recommended but not obligatory, while the Shafi`i and Hanbali view is that it is obligatory. According to the modern Egyptian scholar Yusuf al-Qaradawi, there is no conclusive evidence in Islam to make it obligatory, but that it is close to being obligatory and that it should not be abandoned by a society as a whole.

In your case, you can do whatever is most convenient. Here is an answer from a Mufti in Trinidad and Tobago saying:

Being Uncircumcised does not prevent you from becoming married. There is absolutely no statement that it is haram for a Muslim woman to marry a non circumcised man. When you intend to marry, it is good to tell your spouse that you are not circumcised, so that this does not create problems in your marital relationship.

IslamQA: Avoiding the West’s culture of usury as a Muslim

I figured you'd be the best person to ask about this. I'm a young Muslim adult who's been wondering how to navigate through a usury based society. Unless you end up earning ample amounts of money, it feels like getting mortgages and credit cards are pre-requisites to living a comfortable (or decently comfortable) life here. What can I do to avoid partaking in the usury system while allowing me to live a decent life quality? Any advice or readings on this would be a great help.

We should try to avoid interest (and for-profit insurance) as much as we are able. This is a challenge that each person has to face for themselves; one should do as much as they can, but I wouldn’t say that one should absolutely avoid it all, since that can be too difficult for some people’s faith.

Speaking for myself, for mortgages, I would use an Islamic provider like Guidance Residential if it all possible. For insurance, I would only get insurance that I am legally required to get (such as car insurance). I would avoid using credit cards unless absolutely necessary (for example if I can’t pay rent and can’t get help in other ways).

In my new book A Skeptic’s Quick Guide to Modern Economics I explain how today’s usurious system works. You can also check out Usury in Christendom: The Mortal Sin that Was and Now is Not.

And if you ever have money to invest, you should avoid bonds, including “Islamic” ones that give a fixed rate. One should also ideally avoid all companies that borrow money on interest, which basically means all US public corporations. What remains is to invest in private businesses that do not deal in usury and that give their employees living wages. As far as I know there is no easy way to do this other than finding a business and reaching a private deal with them (giving them $10,000, for example, for a certain share of their profits). There are “Islamic” mutual funds like Azzad and AMANA, but both of these either invest in usurious corporations or in fixed-rate “Islamic” bonds that are not so Islamic after all. What is needed is a mutual fund that invests solely in non-usurious businesses or truly Islamic bonds (backed by real assets and with fluctuating returns). Perhaps as the number of Muslims in the US and Europe increases, such funds will be created. At the moment, if I were wealthy, I would have nothing to do with the utterly corrupt and usurious corporate culture of the West and would do everything possible to create new companies that act more ethically.

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