parents

Dealing with an overly emotional mother

I know a mother who whenever there is a conflict between her boys (18,20,24 ages) she will exhaust her soul and torture it until she fells down just to make them stop fighting. Usually that will end the fight but it sends horror and complicates the situation. She uses the power of emotions this way because she doesn't have any other way to stop the fights. Her children wish to know how to stop this. One time they even had to send her to a hospital because her mind stopped functioning right. I sometimes even get the feeling that she enjoys the pain. I know it’s weird and I apologize for disturbing anyone who is reading this. But she’s very religious and used to be much stronger and very wise. At some point in her life alot of shocking events kept happening which I think is the reason why she lost control over her problem solving abilities. Please help and thank you.

That seems like a problem for a psychologist to look into, perhaps what she needs is more love, attention and respect from the rest of the family, maybe in this way she can start to feel more balanced and at peace again. And her sons should do their best to avoid giving her cause to be distressed. Instead of saying that she is overreacting and that she is wrong to be like that, they should go out of their way to avoid doing anything that upsets her, even if this is a lot of work and even if she is being unreasonable. Mothers have to deal with unreasonable children all the time, so if the roles are reversed, if the mother is being unreasonable, the children should try to repay the favor.

Dealing with parents who disrespect and fight each other

I would like to ask about my family problem. My parents have been fighting for years. My father no longer talks to my mother although he tried to make amends once. My mother constantly talk bad about my father to me and my siblings. She is always full of hatred and anger towards my father. I'm afraid with time I'll begin to hate my father as well. What is the view in Islam about parents talking bad about their partner to their kids? Where should I stand in this? Thank you.

What your parents are doing is against Islamic teachings. What you should do is stay neutral and respectful toward both of them. If one parent does something unjust toward the other parent or toward one of the children, if you can help prevent it without causing greater harm, then you should try, without belittling or offending either parent.

In your situation, one thing you can do is encourage your siblings to think the best of your father so that they are not unjustly biased against him by your mother’s words. Since your father is not speaking to her and allowing the situation to continue as it is, it appears that both parents are responsible for the bad situation, therefore it is best to not take sides but try to be fair toward both.

If there was anything you could to improve their relationship, then that would be a good thing to do, although it is unlikely. Anything you try could do greater harm than good, since they are older than you and know much more about each other than you do.

Please also see my answer On Islamic Manners Toward Parents.

On Islamic Manners Toward Parents

What if there is something your parents want you to do and it doesn’t please you despite of dropping clear signs they refuse and claim that they know what’s best for you. Are you supposed to take a stand or leave it on Allah?

As Muslims, our default mode of interaction with our parents should be as verse 17:24 commands:

And lower to them the wing of humility, out of mercy, and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them, as they raised me when I was a child.”

Every truly admirable people I have met have had such an attitude toward their parents. They “humor” their parents, treating them as if they are intelligent, admirable, likable and worthy regardless of how they really feel about them. This is a return of the favor that our parents bestowed upon us when we grew up (whatever their faults) in their treating us as if we were worthy and smart even when we were being foolish and immature. A child might draw a really ugly drawing but the parent celebrates it as if it is beautiful, in this way making the child feel appreciated. Islam tells us to treat our parents the way good parents treat their children, never insulting them and trying to make them feel appreciated and wanted. Even if the parents were abusive, this does not mean that we have to continue the same cycle of abuse toward them, we can be “the bigger person” and treat them like they good parents they never were. This is where true virtue shines. There is nothing admirable about a son who is abusive toward his mother because she was abusive toward him in his childhood. What is admirable and moves our hearts is when a son or daughter is kind, loving and dutiful toward parents who were not this way toward them.

If you love a child, even if the child asks for something somewhat ridiculous, you may still do it for them out of love. The Quran is asking the child to return this favor to their parents. Even if the parents say something or demand something that is somewhat unreasonable, you should do your best to respond positively, instead of belittling them and telling them they are unwise and foolish.

This does not mean that one should act like a slave to them. You can discuss things with them and debate with them if there is something to be gained by this. But wherever possible, you should let them have the last word, lowering to them the wing of humility, as the Quran says, out of love and mercy toward them.

I always do my best to avoid debates with my father, even if we are talking about something that I know far more about than he does and he says something wrong. If he tells me to do something and I have good reasons for not doing it, I will still try my best to do it and to agree with his and my mother’s other demands unless I really cannot do it.

So if your intelligence tells you that they are being unwise and even foolish about something, your love and mercy should take precedence, you should treat them as respected and honored parents at all times. If they burden you with something, never forget that you too were a burden on them for years and made many unreasonable demands of them.

When dealing with your parents, love and mercy must always take priority over logic, unless it is something extremely serious.