Islam and friendship with the opposite sex

On helping a friend come back to Islam

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Assalamualaikum... My friend talks to her male colleagues and goes out with them... and sometimes she put heart emoji when she replies to their posts on social media. The problem is, she thinks that it's not wrong because they're just friends. She's really good but i don't know why she's doing this! What should I do? Jazakum Allah khairan

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

That appears to be because of a lack of knowledge or piety. In general trying to make someone else a better believer leads only to negative results because you would be scheming to change someone’s state of mind which people find offensive, since they want to be free to reach their own conclusions. My advice is to never make someone your “project” where you try to improve them, that is a highly insulting attitude to have toward a fellow human.

Instead, attain a deep state of spirituality yourself (such as by spending an hour every night in tahajjud and Quarn-reading as I explain here). If you achieve such a state, your manners and character would probably do more to encourage her to become better than any argument. Al-Hasan al-Basri says:

Preach to others by your deeds, not by your words.

You could buy her beneficial books or encourage her to go with you to lectures. But you should not be attached to achieving any result. The best way to convince her to become better is to first become an admirable Muslim yourself, and second, to let her know through your words and actions that you love her for who she is rather than making your love for her conditional upon how well she lives up to your expectations.

On reducing unnecessary physical contact with the opposite sex

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Salam. I have a question to ask. I have a friend at school, who is a boy. We have been friends for 3 years, and our friendship has always been respectful and decent, but lately we’ve been having physical touch. For example, his hair was growing out a little, so he asked me if I could help him try tying his hair. I had to touch his hair plus a little bit of his forehead. He’s also held my hand during the cold recently to give me warmth. What should I do? Thank you.

You could politely inform him that you do not wish for any further contact because of your religious views. The things you mentioned are innocent enough. The problem is that as young persons, both of you will probably have a strong desire to keep increasing your physical contact and intimacy, until, like so many others, you end up getting in a situation that you deeply regret later.

Can a Muslim woman have male friends? The Islamic view of having friends of the opposite sex

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Salam. I have a question over boy friends? Is it okay to have friends who are boys and you know that they won't do anything with you or take your guys friendship over the line? Or should we Muslim girls have no friends who are boys?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

There are no texts in the Quran and the Sunnah that apply exactly to having “friends” of the opposite sex. Technically interacting with and talking to people of the opposite sex is not forbidden, and there is nothing wrong with having professional relationships with people of the opposite sex, or having acquaintances of the opposite sex.

But if by “friend” you mean someone with whom you feel an emotional bond (since otherwise they would just be an acquaintance), then even when a friendship is platonic, it is very common for love or sexual attraction to develop, if not in both people then at least in one of them, and this can have many sinful consequences.

We are designed to feel sexually and emotionally attracted to attractive people of the opposite sex. There can never be safety from this attraction. If today you feel that you have full control over your faculties so that there is no way that things could develop beyond a platonic friendship, you cannot guarantee that you will feel this way tomorrow, especially if the friendship develops and you start to like the person more and more. To keep such a relationship within the lawful bounds, you have to defeat your ego’s desires every single time, while it is sufficient for your ego to defeat you just once to fall into sin.

Think of a woman who has recently married and is very happy in her marriage and is totally in love with her husband. Would she risk developing an emotional connection with a man other than her husband? A woman who is not happy in her marriage may be able to justify it to herself, but a woman who thinks she has everything in the world, fears losing it and wants absolutely nothing that could possibly threaten her relationship with her husband will stay away from all other men, even if she thinks that chances are high she can have male friends without it doing harm to her marriage. Since she wants to be absolutely certain that her relationship with her husband continues to be perfect, she will not risk having male friends, in case she starts to feel attracted to one of them, or one of them does something or behaves in a way that harms her relationship with her husband.

In the same way, one whose relationship with God is very close, who loves and fears Him, will not want anything that could possibly threaten this relationship, and friendship with people of the opposite sex is a potential threat, even if they think it has a low chance of doing harm. They value their relationship with God too much to engage in anything that could possibly threaten it.

I have looked at the rulings of many respected scholars and they either strongly discourage such friendships or say that it is forbidden, due to the potential for harm that is involved.

There are various forms of relationships that can exist between an unrelated man and a woman, and most of these fall on a spectrum from prohibited, to questionable, to acceptable and lawful. If by friendship you mean having a male friend that you treat like any of your female friends, in constant contact with them and sharing with them your thoughts and emotions, then that is much closer to the prohibited side and is bound to affect your faith and your life negatively.

As for having polite small talk with a coworker, then there is nothing necessarily wrong with this, although context matters. A 25-year-old man can have a long and comfortable conversation with a 70-year-old female coworker, while if he fears God, he will keep his interactions with a highly attractive 18-year-old female coworker short and polite.