32 Islamic articles on: Dealing with parents in Islam

Table of contents for the topic Dealing with parents in Islam
  1. Dealing with parents who favor their other children
  2. Dealing with a toxic family
  3. Is it permissible for a daughter to dislike her father?
  4. Is it haram to not speak with your father for the rest of your life?
  5. Benefiting from a parent’s haram income
  6. The Islamic view of cutting ties with a stepfather
  7. Dealing with a narcissistic mother
  8. Should Muslims always obey their parents’wishes?
  9. Wanting to move away from parents
  10. They want to move away from their unsatisfactory family
  11. The right way to end an argument
  12. A daughter’s duty to financially support her parents
  13. The responsibility of the oldest child in Islam toward their family
  14. Improving your relationship with your parents
  15. Dealing with intrusive family members
  16. Should one support one’s mother or grandmother in a conflict?
  17. Moving out against the mother’s wishes
  18. Her abusive parents make her feel depressed
  19. Father wants to prevent them from going back to school
  20. Dealing with a mother who likes horoscopes
  21. Is it sinful in Islam to not love your parent?
  22. On not inviting abusive parents to one’s nikah
  23. Her parents fight constantly and stress her out
  24. On dealing with anti-Muslim parents and siblings as a convert
  25. Fixing mother’s relationship with her sister
  26. Parents will not let him marry his chosen
  27. A father who refuses to approve his daughter’s marriage with a person from a different culture
  28. Dealing with cruelty from one’s own family
  29. Daughter wants to distance herself from her abusive parents
  30. Dealing with abusive parents in Islam
  31. Dealing with parents who disrespect and fight each other
  32. On Islamic Manners Toward Parents

IslamQA: Dealing with parents who favor their other children

Assalam alleikumwarahmatuallahi wabarakatu.am stayn wid ma mother and ma daughter but ma mother loves ma others sisters kids more dan mine we always have fight bZ off of dis situation plz would like u to help me what to do.i was thinking to go leave alone widout my mom but shes old .and i dnt want to leave her but no peace.what should i do.help

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh,

Sorry to read about your situation. May Allah help make things better. Unfortunately there is little we can do about how our parents treat us. The best that you can do is be patient and treat your mother with love and kindness regardless of how she treats you, similar to the way that some parents treat their selfish and unloving children with love even if the children do not deserve it.

Work to maintain a close relationship with God through such acts as daily Quran reading as this can be a great help in giving you the contentment and motivation to always act according to what is good and right.

Best wishes inshaAllah.

IslamQA: Dealing with a toxic family

Assalamualykum Dear Brother, Allah says that family is a great trial. I have been living in a toxic family environment for some time in which my sisters and mother do not get along. In this situation, I love them both, and it hurts me in a deep way when they fight and I can do nothing at all to make the situation better. I try my best to stick to the commands of Allah and have made constant dua regarding this situation. What should be the response of my heart? Am I too attached to my family members or is patience the only solution?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

I’m sorry to read about your situation. May Allah make things better for you. Unfortunately there is often little that we can do about how others, including our family members, behave. The best we can do is be patient. Something that helps greatly is to have a close relationship with God, such as through daily Quran reading. This helps detach you from worldly concerns and enables you to always act according to what is good and right regardless of how others behave.

May Allah bless you.

IslamQA: Is it permissible for a daughter to dislike her father?

All fathers do a lot for their daughters even after they get married. In our culture it is a way to keep respect of ur daughter at her in laws. But my father didn't even give me dowry and now he doesn't even give a penny after marriage. Even if I tell him u humiliate me in front of my in laws by doing this. He says I'm not his duty anymore. I despise him for this. am I wrong or my father? can't I despise him for this and all of his other agonizing treatments that he has done with me and my mama?

I’m sorry that your father is like that. It is true that legally he is not required to give you money (since you have a husband now), but it is highly dishonorable for him to think that this means he can just forget about your needs.

You are free how you think of your father, and you are not required to control your feelings toward him. You are only required to not cut ties with him, to be as respectful as you can be when dealing with him, and to do what you can for his welfare (whether he deserves any of these things or not). Consider these things acts of charity that God will reward you for (inshaAllah). If you feel he doesn’t deserve these things, that makes the charity even greater.

Best wishes.

IslamQA: Is it haram to not speak with your father for the rest of your life?

Is it forbidden to not talk to my father for the rest of my life? I haven't seen or talked to him in 7 years and me and family are better off without him. He's unreliable and has shown no interest in any of ours life even when he was here. The first only reason him and my mother were even married was because it was arranged.

Sorry about your situation. Unfortunately that is forbidden. We are not allowed to cut ties with blood relatives, it is one of the major sins the Quran warns us against many times. You can try to be polite and dutiful even if you don’t have any good feelings toward him. You may be interested in this previous answer: Is it sinful in Islam to not love your parent?

IslamQA: Benefiting from a parent’s haram income

Salam, My parents are seperated, when I see my dad and he takes us places or buys us food I'm pretty sure his income isn't halal so I feel awkward about letting him take me and my siblings places and paying for us, is it wrong if I let him (I've tried to raise it with him he just says Allah will understands and dismisses it… :/) jzk

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

It is permitted for a child to benefit from a parent’s income that is a mix of halal and haram, as discussed in this previous answer: The income of a father who works in a usurious bank

IslamQA: The Islamic view of cutting ties with a stepfather

Is it sinful for me to refuse to see my stepfather after he cheated on my mentally ill mother?

The Islamic prohibition on cutting relations with relatives only applies to blood relatives, not in-laws, stepparents and children, so you are free how you decide to treat him. It is of course best to forgive him if they are still together. Islam also forbids not speaking to a fellow Muslim for more than three days, if you are both Muslims you can try to maintain a polite relationship using your phone and social media while avoiding him in person.

IslamQA: Dealing with a narcissistic mother

Assalamualaikum, what advice would you give someone who has an emotionally manipulative and narcissistic mother? I don't feel natural feelings of love towards her because it's clear to me that she doesn't like me. And when I need to help her with things it's not with a positive feeling, and that makes me sad because we are meant to honour our parents. But it is very hard when you know there is no love underneath any parental duties she is obligated to do for me.

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Sorry to read that. I would say do what you know to be right towards them and don’t worry about your feelings. We can’t help how we feel toward others. But we can be dutiful and kind regardless of how we feel. 

Please see the 25 articles on this page on my site for many answers to questions similar to yours: Dealing with parents in Islam

Best wishes.

IslamQA: Should Muslims always obey their parents’wishes?

Assalamualaikum. I had a general question regarding what is required of us in terms of our duty to our parents. I am in a situation where I am in a certain career path basically only because my parents want me to be. I'm doing well enough in it, but I'm always stressed and tired from the work and lately I've really been feeling that this isn't the career I want for the rest of my life. If I quit though, I would definitely be upsetting my parents and going against their wishes. (1/2)

I know we should be as obedient, and kind, and dutiful to our parents as possible but in this situation, would it be a sin for me to disobey my parents by switching career paths? I’ve been feeling really lost lately. They’ve sacrificed a lot for me and I don’t want to let them down but I also don’t know if I am capable of continuing in this career. (2/2)

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Islam asks us to “humor” our parents the way our parents humored us when we were children, so that even if sometimes they are unreasonable or make unnecessary demands we should try to go along with it rather than asking them to be reasonable.

But we are not required to become slaves to their demands. You are a person just like they are, and the relationship should include compromises from both sides. So you have every right to switch career paths and good parents should empathize with your wishes and put your happiness first.

If you abide by their wishes, then it will be an act of charity toward them and God can always reward you amply for that. And if you do what you want, I’m sure God will not blame you. So Islamically the choice is entirely yours. You are not required to spoil your parents by always doing what they want, just as parents are not required to spoil their children.

IslamQA: Wanting to move away from parents

1/x Salam. No matter how hard I try to change my heart, I just don't have a good relationship with my parents. There are things that I end up saying and doing, that they don't like, and likewise from my point of view. But I never try to do it out of spite. My parents have always been really focused on work and we never really show affection to each other. Like I can't even remember the last time we said I love you to each other. Is it wrong of me to always want to be away from them?

2/x I’ve always wanted to move away from them. I know it sounds really bad, but how can anyone stay in a household that’s built on just tolerating each other? What should I do besides pray for the best?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

That’s all perfectly natural. Try to be thankful that things are not worse, and try to accept your family situation as it is, with all its imperfections. This is where God wants you. He could have given you a perfect family if He had wanted. The challenge is to maintain an open heart, and to do your duty as best as you can, and to be more kind and generous than those around you deserve it.

IslamQA: They want to move away from their unsatisfactory family

1/x Salam. No matter how hard I try to change my heart, I just don't have a good relationship with my parents. There are things that I end up saying and doing, that they don't like, and likewise from my point of view. But I never try to do it out of spite. My parents have always been really focused on work and we never really show affection to each other. Like I can't even remember the last time we said I love you to each other. Is it wrong of me to always want to be away from them?

2/x I’ve always wanted to move away from them. I know it sounds really bad, but how can anyone stay in a household that’s built on just tolerating each other? What should I do besides pray for the best?

That’s all perfectly natural. Try to be thankful that things are not worse, and try to accept your family situation as it is, with all its imperfections. This is where God wants you. He could have given you a perfect family if He had wanted. The challenge is to maintain an open heart, and to do your duty as best as you can, and to be more kind and generous than those around you deserve it.

IslamQA: The right way to end an argument

Salam, the Prophet PBUH said there is reward to leave an arguement even if you are in the right, so when My mother tried to argue with me about giving food to the cat (that would otherwise go in the trash). It was v late at night and she was increasingly getting angry and I repeatedly said I will not argue and when she did not stop I went outside until she stopped yelling. Now she is not talking to me. This behaviour, especially in Ramadan is upsetting. Did I act wrongly by walking outside?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Not arguing does not mean stopping in the middle of the argument while holding onto your own position. The other person will still feel like you are arguing, since you are not ending the argument just pausing it, and they can feel insulted by that. Leaving an argument means to put a quick ending to it in a polite way, and this usually means giving in to the other person’s position. The point is to sacrifice your own desire to win the argument and make the other person feel like they have won. If they do not feel like that, then the argument has not ended.

So the right way to have dealt with your mother in the situation you mentioned would have been to either let her win the argument or reach a compromise that satisfied her.

Best wishes.

IslamQA: A daughter’s duty to financially support her parents

Salam, I am an unmarried woman and a single child. To what extent do I have to financially provide for non-elderly parents who live way beyond their means? When they are elderly, am I expected to continue to pay for their self-imposed financially unsustainable lifestyle? Finally, if I were to become a housewife, how would financial support to my old parents work since I'd have no income and am an only child? Thank you for your time!

There are differences of opinion on the financial responsibility of a daughter toward her parents. Al-Shāfiʿī says the duty only belongs to sons, not daughters, while Abū Ḥanīfa says the duty is equally shared between sons and daughters.

The responsibility is only according to your own ability and according to your parents’ need. If they can survive without your help then anything you give to them is charity; it is not strictly a duty. If they live beyond their means, you do not have to support this but only give them enough to survive on unless you want to be generous.

If you marry, your duty is only according to the amount of money you personally have. If you have no income then you are not responsible for supporting them. However, you still have the duty of caring for your parents within your means, and if your husband would be willing to support them if you ask for it, then this is something that maybe you should look into.

Your first duty is toward yourself and your family (husband and children). Parents come after that.

Source for a daughter’s financial responsibility toward her parents:

IslamQA: The responsibility of the oldest child in Islam toward their family

Salaam. Brother, I want to ask you something. Does the eldest child have to be the backbone of the family? What if the eldest child is a girl and both her parents are still working, and her siblings are still students, what does Islam say regarding this and what are your personal opinion about women being the breadwinner? Thank you for your time.

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

There is no special legal obligation on the oldest child. A non-legal obligation may arise from their situation; for example the oldest child may be in a position to help the younger children and take care of them in some ways, this is a moral rather than legal obligation and would apply equally to both males and females and carrying it out would be an act of charity, while not doing it may or may not be sinful.

Children, however, have a legal obligation to financially take care of their elderly parents according to their ability and applies to both male and female children.

Additionally, males have a legal duty to financially take care of their needy sisters and other female relatives that they would inherit from in case of the female person’s death. But this is a matter of disagreement among the scholars.

Regarding women being breadwinners: if this is something that they arrange with their spouses/families then there is no issue with it. A woman’s earnings that go to her family would be considered charity since it is not her duty to earn money (while for a man it is a legal duty).

Sources:

IslamQA: Improving your relationship with your parents

I don’t have a great relationship with my parents. How can I improve it?

I believe the best way is to achieve a high character and a selfless, generous and forgiving attitude. Dealing with people when having such a personality will naturally make them like you more. So work on yourself first and constantly ask for God’s help and guidance and inshaAllah your relationship with your parents will start to improve.

For more on becoming a better Muslim please see: Guides on Becoming a Better Muslim

IslamQA: Dealing with intrusive family members

My parents and siblings ask way to many questions about my life, sometimes finding out way more than they need. What should I do? It's bothering me. Sometimes I feel like I have no privacy or that they give me no space. The relationship sometimes feel nonreciprocal as well, for example they do not always answer me or do not share with me about what's going on in their life. Can you give me some advice one what I should do?

Unfortunately it is very difficult to change the way family members treat us since they have been doing that for years and think it is the right way to behave. The best course of action is just to be patient and to try to minimize it in whatever way possible without upsetting them.

Best wishes.

IslamQA: Should one support one’s mother or grandmother in a conflict?

Asalam aliekum my mom is not nice to my grandma, should i support my mom or my grandma.what does islam say on this, please reply as family is going through lot of stress

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Sorry to read about your difficult situation. The Quran says:

As for those who believed afterwards, and emigrated and struggled with you—these belong with you. And as for family members, some of them are nearer than the others in the Book of God. God is Cognizant of everything. (The Quran, verse 8:75)

The above verse and others and hadith narrations all tell us that our duties toward family members increase with their degree of closeness. So you have a greater duty toward your mother than your grandmother.

But the Quran also says:

O you who believe! Stand firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even if against yourselves, or your parents, or your relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, God takes care of both. So do not follow your desires, lest you swerve. If you deviate, or turn away—then God is Aware of what you do.

So we should try to balance our duties toward family members with our duty toward truth and justice. If your mother is unjust to your grandmother, do your best to avoid supporting her in this injustice. And if it is more just to support your grandmother, do it in a way that avoids upsetting your mother. Try to keep good relations with both of them (which I know can be difficult when you have to make a choice between two relatives).

IslamQA: Moving out against the mother’s wishes

I want to move another apartment by myself,I want to live alone,but my mom doesn't like this idea,she thinks I'm not gonna look her when I move and she thinks my dad her and I should live together,I don't want to marry I just want to live alone,what should I do...Do I have to look her? I mean I'm gonna send her money...

Technically you are allowed to live on your own. But the pious thing to do is to continue living with your parents. The same way that your mother was there for you as a child, you should be there for her as an adult and try to do what pleases her even if you do not particularly like doing it. It appears that your mother has an emotional need to have you close by. It may make her sad or even depressed if you move out and leave her with your father. If you put her needs before yours then God will reward you and bless you for it. You could consider moving to a bigger house with them if they would agree to that so that you can have more room to yourself.

We are not required to be slaves to our parents’ wishes in Islam. But while they are alive, you have a great opportunity to gain God’s rewards by trying to please them. Even if you find their presence inconvenient, God will make it up for you by making other parts of your life easy and successful. Many of the happy and successful Muslims you meet will be people who put their parents’ needs before their own.

IslamQA: Her abusive parents make her feel depressed

Assalamu aleikum, for several years i have been feeling like a burden and a problem to my parents. they never support or show love and admiration for anything me or my sisters do, they’re always scared that we’re going to ruin their reputations and have absolutely zero respect for us, the degrading things they’ve told us would take hours to count. lately this has been weighing on me and my mental health is at my lowest, i have dark suicidal thoughts but i know i’d never have the courage to-

-take my own life. i want to get professional help but feel like they would humiliate me for that too. do you have an advice for me? maybe i should pray more or something. i’m sorry if this is too dark but I've been feeling helpless for a long time

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Sorry to read about your difficult situation. It is natural for such difficult situations to make us wish that we did not exist. Unfortunately there may be no solution except to be patient. Maybe getting professional help will help even if your parents dislike it. When some people make our lives miserable other people can help us feel consoled.

In general we have two options when faced with such situations; either to give in to them and let them defeat us, or we can do our best to keep close to God and to think the best of Him despite feeling lonely, abandoned and unspiritual. This is how we can prove we are extraordinary; to keep our souls above our suffering, not letting it crush us and patiently waiting for God to ease our situation and replace it with something better.

The best people you meet in your life are those who suffered like you do, but who were able to defeat the suffering by keeping close to God and thinking the best of Him. And the some of the worst people you meet are those who suffered and who let their suffering make them dislike God so that they now hold a grudge against Him and reject Him and blame Him for having meaningless and empty lives.

Please check out my three essays below where I discuss how to find meaning in suffering and how to overcome it:

Islam and Depression: A Survival Guide

God has not abandoned you: Regaining your sense of purpose when life feels spiritually empty, lonely and meaningless

The Road to Maturity: On Dealing with Life’s Unsolvable Problems

Best wishes.

IslamQA: Father wants to prevent them from going back to school

assalamu aleikum, my situation is a little difficult, i dropped out of school a few years back because of my immaturity and ignorance and now finally after a difficult year i have a chance to go back but my father seems reluctant, he always dismisses me when i mention it and i fear that he will try to stop me. there is no point trying to discuss with him, he’s stubborn and always thinks his way is the right way (like a lot of controlling fathers) i am trying hard not lose hope but im going down-

-the vicious spiral of sadness and despair i went through last year because of it, i don’t know what to do because i’m supposed to go back soon and he is unpredictable. do you have an advice for me? thank you

Sorry to read about your difficult situation. I cannot think of any easy solution for it. You just have to be patient. Maybe find out if your relatives (such as your mother, aunts and uncles) can help in persuading him to let you go back to school. And if you are not able to attend school this season because of his refusal, things may change in a few months and you may be able to attend next season, or next year. Try to make the best use of your time regardless of whether you end up going to school or not, such as by reading a lot of books. If you have a desired field you want to get a university degree in, you can start studying for it now. Some universities allow people to get a master’s degree without having a bachelor’s degree if they can show that they are extremely well-read in their field. You can start studying as if you are studying for a master’s degree, collect books in your field, and read studies in open-access academic journals.

Best wishes.

IslamQA: Dealing with a mother who likes horoscopes

Assalamualaikum, my mother really likes horoscopes. It's actually a cultural thing from her home country. When she was young she and other Muslims she knew would read and talk about it. Now that I know its wrong to believe in that stuff I don't know what to do. She really likes palm reading etc too. I think I've brought it up before but usually im wary of bringing it up bc I can anticipate her distaste and discomfort in my telling her. What do I do?

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Parents do not usually take religious advice from their children, since they think they themselves know better. Since it has little benefit to tell her not to do those things, the best way is probably to tolerate it (to not tell her directly that she should stop), while making your own dislike clear (refusing to talk to her about such things, if she brings it up, then you can mention your dislike). Instead of making it a matter of you trying to change her, by expressing your own dislike she may be motivated to avoid it out of consideration for you. One thing that will greatly help with this is if you study Islam a lot so that your family begins to respect your knowledge and piety. That will make them take you more seriously.

If there is going to be any change, it can take time (maybe years), therefore do not be in a hurry on this issue.

Page 1 of 2
1 2