Please note: The answers on Hawramani.com constitute friendly advice rather than fatwas. Where relevant, we translate the opinions and fatwas of respected scholars and present them in our answers.

Dealing with missing someone after a breakup

Assalamualaikum,what do we do when we miss someone so dearly,It just literally kills us on the inside,I wanted him to make me halal but he rejected me in a kind way

Alaikumassalam wa rahmatullah,

Tragic life events such as breaking up with someone we love will invariably cause us to suffer. There is no way to avoid this suffering. It is a fact of human life that what brings us joy can also bring us great suffering. As believers, when faced with any hardship in life, we seek cures through spiritual or through material means. The best way is to try to combine both. Spiritually, by staying close to God and putting your focus on Him, the concerns of the worldly life will start to feel less important. I recommend dedicating an extra hour every day to worship to those who wish to always stay close to God. Closeness to God is something that requires daily work. Every day the life of this world takes us away from God and every day we must work to go back to Him through our worship. See my essay Mysticism without Sufism on the type of extra worship I recommend.

As for the material side, the best way to get over a breakup (assuming reconciliation is not possible) is to be in a new relationship. Of course this can be very difficult to consider when you are still in love with that person. All of us have an empty place in our hearts that is filled with the person we love, and when that person is taken away from us, we will continue to suffer feelings of loss until that empty place is filled again with something or someone else. A small number of people are able to use their loss to elevate them spiritually so that God starts to fill that place for them. But the majority of people are not able to achieve that and require the love of a new person to fill that place for them.

For that reason, difficult as it may be to consider, I recommend that you seriously consider a new relationship. Humans are designed to fall in love with any reasonably kind and attractive person of the opposite sex that they happen to interact with a lot, so if there are any decent men interested in marrying you then you should consider them. If you are both spiritual and kind to each other then it will be extremely difficult not to fall in love with each other sooner or later. This is what I have seen everywhere in the Middle East. Couples of the older generation often had their marriages arranged for them, yet the spiritual among them are almost all deeply in love with their spouses. And I don’t see how it can be otherwise. Men and women who have open hearts find it very easy to fall in love since their hearts are not blocked by hatred, selfishness or egotism. The purity of their souls makes them assume the best about their spouses and makes them love them for who they are rather than loving them only for how they make them feel, and in this way the constantly fall in love with each over and over again.

To summarize, the spiritual solution is get closer to God, and the material solution is to find someone new to love. If you remain single then it will be very difficult to get over that person. It will not be impossible, but it will require that you exert immense efforts at filling up that empty place with love for God and with focus on other things (such as your family). But a new relationship can make things very easy for you provided that you and the new person are both spiritual and do not set overly high expectations of each other.

Best wishes inshaAllah.

And God knows best.

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